


Earthbound

by aMUSEment345



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Family, Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-04
Updated: 2016-07-04
Packaged: 2018-07-21 13:32:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7388980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aMUSEment345/pseuds/aMUSEment345
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One shot. Post-ep for 10X13, 'Nelson's Sparrow'. A brief exchange at Gideon's funeral.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Earthbound

**Earthbound  
**

He looked so vulnerable, standing there. He was just barely winning the battle for facial control, but she could see his adam's apple bobbing every so often, and knew he was swallowing down his tears.

JJ left her position next to Hotch, and walked the few steps over to where Reid was standing, his gaze glued to the plain wooden box lying on the ground. She laid a hand on his back to let him know she was there. When he didn't stiffen under her touch, she slid her hand all the way around his waist and tucked herself into his side. She knew she'd read him right when she felt his hand slide around her waist and pull her closer to him. They stood there like that for the remainder of the service.

Jason Gideon was being laid to rest.

So many images flashed before JJ. The first time she'd met him, when she'd been selected as the liaison for the prestigious BAU team. When he'd barely noticed she was there, except to ask for 'the girl who talks to the press'. Hotch had apologized that time, as well as the many other times that the self-centered, driven Gideon had trod on her feelings.

She remembered the day he'd announced the arrival of Reid. "Kid's a genius, he'll change the way we do everything." And then, a few hours later, he'd introduced the dumbstruck team to 'Poindexter'. The was the appellation Morgan had bestowed upon Reid that first day. The one he'd never repeated, not after JJ had admonished him. "He's part of our team, Morgan. The least you can do is give him a chance."

Gideon's infatuation with Reid's abilities hadn't done much to enamor the rest of the team. But, eventually, Gideon had moved on to other things, and Reid had been left to prove himself on his own. In the end, it had been Hotch who'd been left with the primary responsibility of integrating the genius protégé in with the others.

JJ's gaze fell upon the stoic face of their team leader. For years, they'd worked closely as she vetted cases with him to select those requiring urgent involvement of their team.

_It's funny_ , she reflected, _it's not quite that way any more. We're not quite as close. Not now that I'm a profiler. Sometimes I think things were better when I was a liaison._

Those years may have passed, but they had given her a pretty good glimpse of the man who served as their unit chief. And she'd come to respect him for his circumspection as much as anything else. It had become clear that Hotch was very much aware of Gideon's strengths and weaknesses, and even privy to his early stages of unraveling. And yet, he'd continued to respect and support the man for what he'd already contributed, and probably kept him functioning longer than might otherwise have happened.

Emotionally, Hotch had already said goodbye to Gideon, when the man had disappeared with virtually no notice, a victim of his own success, in a way. If not for the BAU, the FBI might have had very limited success in stopping serial killers. If not for the BAU, that work might have been delegated elsewhere. But there _was_ a BAU, and it _did_ have a track record, largely because of the early efforts of Jason Gideon and David Rossi. And so, Gideon had been immersed in the pathology of murder for decades on end. In some ways, it had exacted a toll on his quality of life. And, in the end, it seemed to have exacted the ultimate toll.

David Rossi. JJ's gaze went to him next. As she'd come to learn in the past few days, his relationship with Gideon had been turbulent. Close….close enough to name a son after him…..and yet fraught with frustration, at times with distrust. But, in the end, infused with mutual respect. David Rossi hadn't seen Jason Gideon in more than two decades. He'd long since made his peace with their relationship. So the look of sadness on his face right now could only mean that he was remembering the early days. The exciting days, when things were new, and the pheromones of serial killers hadn't yet penetrated the pores of their pursuers. Rossi, she well knew, was familiar with regret. His face conformed its lines to that familiarity today.

Morgan. She almost smiled when she looked at Morgan. She'd been witness to his love/hate relationship with Gideon. As he'd grown his qualities of leadership, Morgan had been noticeably less and less approving with how Gideon conducted business. Ironically, he'd even grown annoyed with Gideon's treatment of Reid, after having found a place in his heart that had been tailor-made for a 'little brother'. And yet, should any LEO from any locale, big city to tiny backwood, express dislike for Gideon, or disdain for his work, Morgan would be on them in a heartbeat.

_He's our protector. That's how he sees himself. He protected Gideon, in those days. But, in some ways, he also felt like he had to protect us from Gideon._

The others were all feeling some sense of the poignancy of the occasion. But the one member of their team who was most affected by the loss of Gideon was the man at her side. Every so often, JJ could feel his body tremble under her arm, evidence of his failed attempt to contain his grief.

When it happened once again, she leaned harder into him, laying her head against his shoulder, tightening the arm around his waist, bringing her other hand to his chest. She felt him squeeze her closer, his anchor in the storm.

Hotch had said a few words, as had Rossi. The BAU's co-founder shared a few amusing anecdotes about the early days of his work with his always fastidious colleague. Stephen Gideon had given the longer eulogy, a refreshingly honest, yet loving portrayal of the man he'd called 'father'. The team members were surprised at how much Stephen seemed to know about the Gideon they'd worked with, and for. JJ took it as a sign that, perhaps, father and son had become reconciled in the years since Gideon had moved on from the BAU.

_If that's the case, then I'm glad. No father and son should have animosity between them. Nor the kind of distance that Jason and Stephen had, for so long._

Unable to imagine that kind of thing happening between Henry and Will. But she _did_ know someone who _didn't_ have to imagine it. He'd lived it for all but the first decade of his life. And he was currently shaking his head, declining the opportunity to offer his own words about Gideon.

_Maybe he doesn't trust his voice. Or maybe he doesn't trust his feelings_.

She knew he'd been hurt when Gideon left. That he'd felt abandoned, unworthy, for the second time in his life. And she knew he'd had no contact with the man since. _But he was still hoping Gideon had found happiness. He said as much, that awful night, and day._

She'd wanted so badly to reach out to him when he'd first arrived to the cabin. But, even though she was still in the throes of her own shock at what...who….lay on the floor before all of them, she'd somehow known to leave Spence alone. He'd cast his eyes away from the covered body that had once housed the soul of Jason Gideon, and thrown them to her, looking for…..something. Maybe for her to tell him it wasn't real. Something she didn't have to give him. In that split second, she'd known she had to leave him to his grief. She didn't know _how_ to render the comfort he needed, and she knew that what he had to go through, he had to do in solitude. But she'd cried, inside and out. Not for the loss of Gideon. He'd been a prominent figure in her life, but only as a superior who commanded respect. What she cried for was the image of Reid alone, in the dark, looking for some kind of solace that she knew he wasn't going to find.

_He's afraid of the dark. I wish he was just as much afraid of being alone,_ she'dthought _._

Because she was afraid he would isolate himself. The truth was that, apart from when he was working, Reid spent so much time alone that it had become his place of comfort. She'd seen that firsthand, just a few years ago, when he'd grieved that other, unexpected, heart-rending loss. He'd literally, and figuratively, hidden himself behind a locked door, actively avoiding all attempts to reach him.

_Don't go there again, Spence. Let us help you. Let_ me _help you._

She'd almost cried the next morning, when he'd stood in the doorway of Gideon's cabin again, and explained, in surprised anguish, that he'd thought Gideon might have been happy. That he might have returned to the area for a relationship. Realizing the sad truth that he had not

His words made her realize that Gideon had never really been far from Spence's thoughts. That the man had somehow become, to Reid, a knight, off on some sort of quest for happiness. And, if not happiness, at least….peace. That he'd found neither seemed to completely dishearten the young man she cared so much about.

But there had been no time for exploring that, let alone for sharing grief or offering consolation. There had only been work. One of their own had been taken, and they were all about the business of finding who had done it, and who else he'd hurt, or killed, or held captive. Even Reid had become caught up in the task, driven to honor Gideon by capturing the one who had issued him the ultimate dishonor.

But Rossi had a different plan for the murdrerer, it seemed. JJ wasn't naïve enough to think it was happenstance that the unsub had pulled his gun on the man who'd founded the BAU with Gideon. She didn't have to be there to know that, somehow, the killer had been goaded into it.

_Rossi knows what it does to families when it's drawn out. The trials, the appeals. And he didn't want us to go through it. Losing Gideon was bad enough, without risking losing the rest of us in the process._

So Rossi's life had been threatened by their unsub, and the senior agent had made short work of it. The unsub was dead, and all that was left was to submit the evidence that would support Rossi's 'good shoot'.

JJ was drawn out of her reverie when people began moving. The presider was shaking Stephen's hand, and the rest of those in attendance were lining up to do the same. JJ was surprised to feel Reid moving in the opposite direction.

"Spence?"

His voice was low in his throat, seeking the most stable spot. "I've already said what I needed to say to Stephen. He'll understand."

She was torn. She _hadn't_ spoken to Stephen yet. But she could feel the turmoil pouring from Reid, and she didn't want him going off alone.

"Well…"

"I'm okay. Go ahead."

He headed off, but she could see he was walking slowly _. Are you waiting for me?_

So she apologized as she cut into the line, with the excuse of her son waiting for her at home.

_Which, technically, he is. He's just waiting with Will._

She gave her condolences to Stephen, murmuring something about Reid not being able to stay.

"Yes, Spencer and I spoke earlier. Thank you. Thank you for coming, and thank you for being good to my father when you worked for him."

She smiled. "You're welcome. He was an inspiration." Which was, technically, true. But not always in a positive way. _Sometimes he taught me how_ not _to conduct myself._

The amenities taken care of, JJ swung her head around looking for Reid. His tall figure was already half a football field away, carried by his long stride. JJ had to double-time in her heels to catch up.

"Spence! Slow down!"

He stopped in place, and turned slowly around, waiting for her to catch up to him.

"I thought you were leaving." His voice steadier now.

"I just wanted to say goodbye to Stephen. I thought…." She hesitated. "I thought it might be good for you to have some company. But, if you'd rather be alone…."

"I'm not really up to talking…"

"It's okay. We can just walk." She started down a little footpath in the cemetery, and Reid fell in beside her, hands stuffed in his pockets. In the distance, JJ could make out the others departing in their vehicles.

They walked in complete silence for another ten minutes before Reid broke it.

"Those things Stephen said today….I never saw him that way."

Glad that they were finally talking, JJ prompted him. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, I never saw the uncertainties. His making mistakes as a father. His apologizing. I just…. I never saw it."

JJ looked sideways at him. "He was human, Spence. Just like the rest of us."

"I know, but….. to me, he was…..I guess I saw him as being above that. He was always so sure of himself, so sure of his direction. Like he knew something the rest of us didn't know." He reflected a few more seconds, then, "I think that's why I followed him to the FBI."

Reid's armor seemed to be dissolving, so JJ reached through it and slid her arm into his. "You mean, when he recruited you?"

He nodded. "He was absolutely adamant that there was a great need for what I could do, and that it was my responsibility to fill it. I'd never really had anyone talk to me like that before. All the rest of them told me I could do anything I wanted, but no one could help me figure out what that was. Gideon was the only one who did that."

"And you just decided to follow him?"

He looked briefly down at her. For all of the sharing they'd done, for all of the affection they had for one another, he knew she would never quite understand what his life had been like.

"I'd never had someone who was invested in my life that way, JJ. My mom would have been, but she was too sick. And she definitely wouldn't have told me to go and work for the FBI!"

She _did_ understand that part, and she smiled with him.

"And my dad…. the last thing he was, was 'invested in me.' And he was gone long before it was time for me to think of a career." Still traces of bitterness, decades after the fact.

She nodded, beginning to see. "So Gideon convinced you because he was the voice of certainty?"

"Exactly. And I was so young, then. I don't know if you remember, but I was pretty naïve…"

That brought a snort from JJ.

"All right, _very_ naïve. So I followed him."

JJ reached across and hugged his waist. "I'm glad you did."

He extracted a hand from his pocket and squeezed his thanks across her shoulders.

JJ encouraged him. "Spence, you were saying about Stephen's eulogy…"

"Oh. Yeah. It was just…..that I never thought of him that way. Almost literally. I never saw him falter, never even thought about the fact that he was a father who was estranged from his son." He looked off into the distance. "I don't know why I didn't…..I should have seen it."

"It wasn't something he shared with any of us. Hotch, maybe. But not the underlings."

He looked down at her, surprised by her use of the word. "Is that how you related to him? As an underling?"

He felt it when JJ pulled away a little bit. "What is it?"

She debated saying anything, considering that he was mourning the man, just after his funeral. But, for reasons she couldn't explain even to herself, JJ knew it was important that Reid mourn the _real_ man, the man as he actually was, and not an idealized image.

"Maybe it was because he was old school, or maybe there was something in his history….but….and I don't expect you would have noticed this…..but it was difficult being a woman under his command."

Once again, Reid was surprised. But then he thought more about it. "I never…..maybe I was….hmm…." clearly drawing upon his eidetic memory, "…..I guess….I guess I can see it. Maybe I was too focused on getting my feet under me to notice. I was too worried I would screw up, to pay attention to how he treated anyone else. But now that you point it out…."

"Trust me. It's not like he was mean about it. It was just….there."

Reid issued a retrospective apology for his mentor. "I'm sorry."

She waved him off. "Not your fault. And, you know what, maybe it wasn't Gideon's either. I think he was usually just too focused on finding the unsub, or saving the innocent, to pay attention to what he was doing. It's the last thing I should be talking about, today of all days."

"Today of all days…I still can't believe it, JJ."

They'd walked a distance along the footpath, and arrived at a reflection garden with a small fountain and a very inviting bench. JJ went to it, and patted the place next to her.

As Reid sat, JJ repeated his last words. "I can't believe it, either. It seems like the end of an era for the BAU."

A small, wry smile came to Reid's lips. "You'd better not tell Rossi that."

She chuckled. "Right you are. I just meant that it seemed like this day should still be so far in our future…. but here we are."

Reid bit at his lower lip, and whispered, so softly that she had to lean in to hear him. "I never thought about him dying."

She leaned into him and entwined their arms, taking his hand. "No one ever does. You had no reason not to think he was okay."

"I could have been in touch with him. I could have found out what he was up to."

She'd been waiting for this. Fearing it, actually. That Reid would somehow assume guilt about an evil perpetrated by someone else.

"Spence…."

He headed her off. "It's true, JJ. It's been years since I've spoken with him. Ever since…"

If she hadn't been such a staunch defender of the man next to her, JJ would never have spoken the truth about Gideon. But it was _Spence_ , so she did.

"Ever since he promised you that game of chess and then failed to show up? Ever since he left the team without a word?"

She sounded almost angry, although Reid realized the anger wasn't directed at him. "He left me a letter…"

"Spence, even _you_ were underwhelmed with that letter. Face it, Gideon…he was, in the end, just a human being, with his own faults just like the rest of us. Think of it….for all that time that you didn't reach out to him…did _he_ reach out to _you_?"

She had a point. And he could tell she wasn't quite done, so he didn't try to interrupt.

"He was a _man_ , Spence. No more, no less. But he was a man you loved….and I think he _did_ love you. I mean that. No matter what space of time or distance was between you, I think he really cared for you."

He sat, visibly struggling for control. She'd hit the target, precisely. Reid had loved Gideon, unseen warts and all. Now he was seeing the warts. And he still loved the man.

"I just feel _bad_ , JJ. I just….." His voice failed him.

She let go of his hand and took all of him into her arms. The position was uncomfortably familiar, last held when he'd lost Maeve, and before that, when he thought he'd lost Emily. _Please, God, let me never have to hold him like this again. The next time, let it be for joy._

Tears tracked both of their faces when they let go and sat back.

JJ tried to smile. "I don't know about you, but I needed that." Surprised to realize how true it felt, especially given her last set of thoughts.

His smile failed as well. "That makes two of us."

She took up his hand again. "I know you already know this, even if I wish you didn't have to. But it's okay to hurt. And it's okay to remember him as he really was. All of us, Spence….we're all only human, and we all have our faults. But that word 'only' is...it's just wrong. It's misleading. Because we're also all _gloriously_ human, when we find people to love, and we go ahead and take the chance to love them, and we let them love us. Isn't that the whole point?"

She was a little worried that she'd said the wrong thing when he just sat there, staring at her, for what seemed an interminable length of time. But then he spoke.

"You are a very wise woman, Jennifer Jareau."

Relieved, she grinned. "I'm a _luck_ y woman. Look who I got to have as my best friend."

He found his smile, and grinned back. "Thank God." He was quiet a few moments longer, reflecting. "I guess you're right about Gideon. About all of us, for that matter. We aspire to more, even if we don't know what that 'more' is. But, in the end, we find out that we're all the same...we're all earthbound."

She wasn't so sure. "I don't know, Spence. I mean, you're right...it's the cycle of life. We all start and end in the same place. But it's the time in between that's important, isn't it? Because, sometimes, in that time in between, we _soar_. Gideon had those times. He had the same sorrows and regrets as anyone else. But he also had some amazingly impressive highs. And I think he would say that you were one of them."

Emotional again, unable to respond with more than, "I hope so."

"I _know_ so. Gideon had a good life, Spence. It's right to be angry that it was taken from him too soon. But don't regret it. Not on his part. And not on yours, either."

Reid stood and stretched out a hand to pull her up as well. "I know you're right, it's just...I'm not quite there yet."

She put her arm through his once again, and they started back they way they'd come.

"You'll get there. Just give it time."

He smiled. _Time. Why does it always have to take so much time?_

Aloud, he said, "You know what else I know?"

"You mean, besides _everything_?"

"Ha. In a way, I guess it kind of _is_ everything."

That piqued her curiosity. "Okay, what, then? What else do you know?"

"I know that I'm glad to be spending my time earthbound with you."


End file.
